I'm back in the office again after a day of hibernation. Still, the same old dilemma of dragging myself out of the bed early in the morning to go to work on time. When will this end?

I may sound like a whiner to you. She's got a regular job. What does she have to complain about? In a society where job opportunities are quite a scarce, I know I should be contented. But honestly, I never was. I wasn't so happy about this job. The work bores me in so many ways than one. Doing this stuff for more than two years now, have slowly disintegrated my interest in giving out the best I can.

Yesterday, at around 2 am, I finished my third novel with a hope of getting the approval of my publisher. Dysmenorhea and all, I spent almost six hours yesterday encoding my story. I'm more than half-way through. I have three chapters more to go before I finished it for printing. It may sound languid and all too boring but frankly, I enjoyed it. You, see, encoding is one of my favorite task especially when the document I'm encoding is very much interesting. On my case, that's my novel.

I can't explain the emptyness I'm feeling. It's easy to say that it's my hormones overpowering me again. I often have these feelings when I'm menstruating. It's some sort of a hormonal imbalance that gives me anxieties and depression. I am overly depressed these days. Although I try to have fun and sometimes go out, I just can't easily cover up a feeling of sadness within me.

It may be because I'm broke and wallowing in debts. But I know this is not just material things. It's about joy...happiness you can only find if you feel fulfilled in your work. I am fulfilled in writing in a novel. I love it, in fact. But it won't feed me and keep me living especially during a fiscal crisis. I'm thinking of going back to school next year. But my means are not enough for me to do that.

But what I really want to do is to quit this job. To stop whatever it is I'm doing and began something I'd really take joy into. Hope I could find that. Hope I could find my way through.

I am religiously asking my friends for a raket just like a beggar asking for alms. So for those friends who are reading this, raket naman diyan!

This is a very unhappy life. I really could say so. I feel like an abandoned rubber boat being dragged by the current to wherever direction it would go. And anytime, I know I could be falling down a waterfall. Could somebody please throw a rope at me?