excerpt from love actually...

kid: i'm inlove! stepdad: you're inlove? (laughing ridiculously) kid: why? stepdad: i thought it was something worse..." kid: worse than the agony of being inlove?

so innocent. so naive. yet so damn frank it hit me on the face. the agony of being inlove. and i was laughing at myself as i look into the mirror. what the heck was happening to me? why am i turning my life upside down? why am i making a fool out of myself?

sabi ng bestfriend ko, matalino raw ako. i am smarter than this. pero heto ako at nagpapakatanga. nagpapakagaga sa isang taong ewan ko ba kung deserve niya ang lahat ng ito. i couldn't even say it straight to his face na mahal ko siya. dahil hindi pa. and that's what i am scared of...ang mahalin siya.

i know i am on my way to falling. and i'm scared. oo. i'm brave enough to admit that i am scared. takot ako sa nararamdaman ko. takot ako sa maaaring kahinatnan ng lahat. takot akong masaktan.

eh, ano naman kung masaktan ka? bumangon ka uli. madaling sabihin. mahirap gawin. paano kung hindi na ako makabangon? paano kung hindi na mawala ang sakit? or worse, paano kung maging manhid na ako sa sakit? hahayaan ko na lang ba lagi ang sarili kong masaktan? magpapakatanga na nga lang ba ako lagi? iiyak na lang ba ako lagi?

hanggang kailan ko kayang tagalan ang lahat ng ito? hanggang kailan ko siya susundan? hanggang kailan ko siya hahabulin? hanggang kailan ako aasa?

sana mapagod na ako. sana tumigil na lahat ng ito. sana magbalik na ulit ang tahimik na mundo ko. please, give me back my world. give me back my peace. give me back my heart.

sige na nga! nothing beats blogdrive!
yes, i tried wandering around the internet for sometime now. i've been blogging on a different site and yakking about lots of stuff about my life right now. yet here i am...going back to where it all started.
i missed the old place. i missed the crowd. i missed the people. i felt lonely at blogspot.
nga pala...released n ung second book ko. my lovely bride...angelo and andrea. check it out sa bookstore. i've been bumming around lately. pero may isa pa ulit ako waiting to come out na book. not that i'm forcing you guys to buy ha! iyon eh kung mapadaan lang kayo sa bookstore at nagandahan kayo sa pangalan ko. hehe! breanna de leon po. look for it.
enough of the promotion. what are the new things about me? well, i've actually tried having an overnight here at the office. yes, i'm still broke but i'm smiling right now. i am still writing which means i am still breathing. i am hanging by a thread to survive my so-called life. i'm so into O.C....what else? basta! i'll be updating this site once in a while so hope to hear from you guys again.
I'M BACK!!!

I hate to do this. But I have been wanting to move out of this site for quite some time now. Now, that I finally have the guts to do it, I wanna tell you guys that I moved out. For about a month now, I've been blogging at a new site. Although there isn't much giveaways anymore, I still hope that you guys would still be interested in reading me and the outbursts of my sentimentality. So see you all there...http://pillowcases.blogspot.com.

Eversince yesterday, I was on field work. I was assigned to interview two teachers for a coverstory in our magazine this June. Well, this is the part of my job that keeps me sane from all the monotonous tasks I have to do every single day.

A field work is like a breather. A refresher that I would really relish. Its perks. Free food, you go around with a driver and boarding an air conditioned vehicle and of course, you have a hi-tech digital camera with you. It might sound too sleazy but hey! It still is perks. After all, like what Kat said, a job without perks is injustice.

It was just ironic because I am interviewing teachers of Economics and asking about teaching Economics when I suck at Economics. Yeah, I hate that subject. Well, according from both of the teachers, Economic is a very relevant and practical subject. Well, no comment on that.

They also both said that some of the concepts are hard to understand. I agree. Dahil hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang pinagkaiba ng mayaman sa mahirap samantalang pareho lang naman silang kumakain, natutulog, nagsasalita, humihinga at tumatae. Well, sasabihin niyo sigurong wala silang pagkakaiba. Iyon ay kung bulag, pipi at bingi ka sa mga nangyayari sa paligid mo.

Tulad kanina, galing kami sa Colegio San Agustin na nasa pusod ng Dasmariñas Village na isa sa mga sosyalang villages sa Makati. Kitams? Villages! Pagliko pa lang namin sa McKinley Road, hindi na kinaya ng powers ko ang aking nasaksihan. Sa isang gate ng ewan kung anong village iyon pero sosyalan din, sunud-sunod na lumabas ang isang itim na Jaguar, isang itim ding BMW, isang beige na Mercedes at isa pang beige na Chevrolet van. Astig! Mukhang magsisimula na ng mga araw nila sila Sir at Madam!

Hindi talaga carry ng powers ko ang mga bahay na sobrang laki. Puro American style lahat. Open driveway at walang gate. Kaya kitang-kita mo ang mga koleksyon nila ng Ford Expedition at Chevrolet Suburban. Aanhin kaya nila ang ganung karaming sasakyan? Siguro lahat ng tao sa bahay na iyon ultimong sanggol na kapapanganak may sasakyan. Baka naman pwede humingi ng isa. Kahit na iyong Mitsubishi Lancer lang na mukhang ginagamit niyo lang pamalengke.

Ang daming puno sa paligid. Feeling mo tuloy nasa ibang bansa ka. Maaga pa naman pero wala kang makikitang magtataho, magbobote, nagtitinda ng puto, naghahasa ng gunting, gumagawa ng payong o kaya nagsa-shine ng sapatos na paikut-ikot sa paligid. Sila iyong mga mobile vendors natin na sabi nga ni Bob Ong, may iba-ibang repertoire kapag nagtitinda.

May dalawang trak ng basurang umiikot sa village. Pero hindi kagaya ng nangongolekta sa amin, tahimik ang mga basurero. Hindi sila sumisigaw ng Basura! Basura! Hindi rin maingay ang trak nila na animo’y barkong sumisingaw. Wala rin silang jingle. Basta abala lang sila sa pagdampot ng mga itim na garbage bag. Oo. Uniform ang mga lalagyan ng basura. Lahat itim na garbage bag. Wala akong nakitang sando bag o kaya malaking latang drum na punum-puno ng masulasok na basura.

Malinis din ang paligid. Walang naghambalang na mga basura. Ang kalsada, aspaltado. Malalawak na kasya ang apat na Ford Expedition. Walang tae ng aso, dura o ni chewing gum sa kalsada. Wala ring halos naglalakad. Kahit tao yata bawal kumalat sa paligid.

Iniisip ko tuloy, hindi kaya nakakabato ang buhay roon dahil sobrang tahimik. Mas maingay pa yata ang library. Kilala kaya ng mga tao roon ang bawat isa? Baka mamaya, nagkasalubong na sa daan, hindi pala magkakilala. Kunsabagay, imposible namang magsalubong sila dahil bawal nga ang kakalat-kalat.

Paano kaya ang batang lumaki roon? Hindi niya naranasang maglaro ng 10-20, patintero, habulan, taguan, tumbang-preson, agawan base at badminton sa kalye. Eh, may sarili ngang soccer field ang village nila, badminton court pa kaya ang mawala? Iyong clubhouse nga nila may Starbucks. San ka pa? Hindi mo rin malalaman kung ano ang fashion style ng mga nakatira roon kasi walang nakasampay na damit sa harap ng bahay. Hindi mo malalaman kung umiihi ba sa kama ang bata roon dahil walang kumot o kaya foam ng kama na nakasampay sa gate.

Walang katulong na naglalakad para bumili ng instant noodles sa kanto. Paano? Wala namang sari-sari store. Walang gate na may nakasabit na for sale na hindi mo naman alam kung ano ang binebenta nila. Walang gate na may sticker ng MERALCO na hugis kamay. Walang tropa ng mga asong palakad-lakad sa kalsada. Walang pusa na naglalampungan sa bubong ng kotse o kaya nakaupo sa driver’s seat ng mga owner.

Wala ring mga tricycle na nag-uunahan sa pagdagit ng pasahero. Merong mga ipinapagawang bahay pero iyong bunton ng buhangin, graba at hollow blocks, wala sa kalye. At balut na balot ng mga yero ang paligid na animo’y 40-story building ang itatayo roon at hindi simpleng bahay. Ayaw yata nilang ipasilip man lang. Kahit yata pako na ginamit sa paggawa confidential.

At ang haba ng pila sa gate. Kailangan kasing mag-iwan ng ID sa security guard. Pero ang pakikipag-usap sa sekyu ay kumakain ng maraming minuto. Parang HR officer kapag mag-aaply ka ng trabaho. Kulang na lang hingan ka ng resume, NBI clearance at medical certificate. Samantalang kung Jaguar ang dala mo, no questions asked. Tuloy ka lang!

May nabasa nga akong paskil, no blowing of horns. Kahit siguro sagasaan at banggain mo na lahat ng nasa harap mo kapag ayaw tumabi okey lang. Basta wag ka lang bubusina. Allergic yata sa ingay ang mga tao roon. O baka naman lahat sila librarian.

Nang pauwi na kami, dumaan kami sa may San Juan. Isang payak na barangay sa San Juan. Pare, ang laki ng kaibahan. Ang haba ng pila ng mga sasakyan hindi dahil sa security check kundi dahil sa mga batang naglalaro sa kalsada, bolang humagis sa kalsada mula sa isang half court na inokupa ang kalahati ng daan. At hindi lang basta damit ang nakasampay sa harap ng bahay nila, sa bangketa sila mismo naglalaba at naliligo. Isang asong kalye ang siyang-siya sa pag-stoll sa kalsada kesehodang masagasaan siya. Gitgitan ang mga tricycle na makalusot sa traffic. Maingay ang paligid. May mga nagtitinda ng basahan, sampaguita, cellphone charger, mani, puto, pastillas, mineral water, feather duster, pati pahulugang appliances lahat nasa kalye.

Sandamukal din ang sari-sari store na bagaman pare-pareho lang naman ang itinitinda, lahat may kanya-kanyang suki. Kung mawawalan ka ng load, walang problema! Kahit bahay na walang gate o pinto, may nakasabit na mukha ni Heart Evangelista o kaya ni Geoff Eigenmann. Ibig sabihin, pwede ang electronic load.

Ang dami pang iba. Basta! Lahat ng wala sa Dasmariñas Village, meron sa dinaanan naming barangay. Trak lang ng basura ang wala. Taunan yata kung kumolekta ng basura roon. Iyong tipong tuwing Pasko lang sumusulpot ang basurero tapos pag-abot mo ng basura mo, aabutan ka ng sobre.

Hay! Mabalik tayo sa Economics! Relevant ba ika mo? Economics lets you understand the current situation of the economy and its effects in the society. Kailangan pa ba nila ng Economics para maintindihan iyon. Hindi pa ba sapat ang araw-araw na nakikita mo sa paligid? Hindi pa ba sapat na sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, nagtataas ng presyo ang gasolina? Hindi pa ba sapat na habang nakikita mo ang mga kaklase mo na bumababa sa itim na Jaguar, ikaw, naglalakad dahil kinse pesos na ang pamasahe sa tricycle. Sampung piso lang ang baon mo. Paano na iyong lima?

Hindi pa ba sapat na habang sakay sila ng mga BMW nila papasok sa trabaho, ikaw ay nakasabit sa jeep dahil pagkahirap-hirap sumakay? Hindi pa ba sapat na kahit anong pilit mong pagkasyahin ang 200 sweldo mo sa isang araw, sila, pampagupit lang ng buhok ang halagang iyon? Buti sana kung may style. Kaso ang nais lang naman nila, magpakalbo dahil summer. At habang ikaw, nagtiyatiyaga sa 3 n 1 na binili mo sa kanto, sila dinudulutan ng caffe latte ng sekretarya nila.

Hindi pa ba sapat ang daan-daang buhay na nalagay sa peligro ng dahil sa pagkain ng maruya habang ang isang iyon ay abala sa pancakes niya? Maruya na nga lang ang kaya mong bilhin, malalason ka pa. At hanggang ngayon, hindi mo pa rin alam ang dahilan kung bakit ka nalason. At wala na rin pakialam ang gobyerno dahil may bagong isyu na silang haharapin. Proproblemahin pa kasi nila ang kaguluhang inihasik ng mga Abu Sayyaf sa Taguig. Baka raw kasi magalit si Bush kapag nalaman nitong kulang pala ang maximum sa maximum security natin.

Hay! Kaya siguro mahirap maintindihan ang Economics. Kasi wala naman sense na ipaintindi ito sa mga bata gamit ang mga teorya. Maiinis ka lang dahil kahit anong konsepto, hindi kayang ipaliwanag ang hirap na tinitiis mo sa araw-araw mabigyan lamang ng pagkain ang iyong mga anak, mapapasok lang sila sa eskwelahan, at pagdating ng hapon ay magkapagrelaks sa isang bote ng gin na tumaas na ang presyo dahil sa dagdag na buwis.

Sabi nila, bakit daw ang mga mahihirap, wala na ngang pera, alak pa ang binibili? Ibabalik ko sa inyo ang tanong? Kayo na ang magtibag ng bato sa ilalim ng init ng araw, mag-araro ng bukid buong maghapon, sumigaw at magtawag ng pasahero buong araw o kaya magkabit ng billboard sa pagkataas-taas na tore? Na sa paglubog ng araw, ang tanging iaabot lang sa iyo dalawang daang piso. Kaya mo bang mag-spa, mag-gym, mag-badminton o kahit bumili ng isang basong kape sa Starbucks sa halagang iyon habang naghihintay ang asawa mo at anim na anak sa bahay?

It's March already and the penguins are gonna leave soon. But I still wasn't able to go to Harrison Plaza to visit them. My once in a lifetime chance of seeing those cute, adorable creatures live on the flesh is slowly ticking off. I wish I could still catch even just a glimpse of them. Or else, North Pole would definitely be included in my "GO TO:" list.

How the hell am I gonna finish my novel? Three months had passed and still I had not submitted any inch of story for PHR. This has definitely blown off my schedule to pieces. Last year, I told myself to be as prolific as I can be if I want to pursue a my writing career. But how can that be when I hadn't finish a novel in three months?

That may be too hard for me considering that I have a regular working job. Time really is of precious commodity. But now that I am not doing anything YET at the office and instead of doing my regular work load, I'm writing my novel, how come I am still stalled to chapter 1?

Yes. CHAPTER 1. I decided to give that freakin story a Book 2 since I couldn't finish it with 10 chapters. Now, I find having a Book 2 too long and I myself feels tired of writing it. It should come to an end at one point or another. But still the grueling saga is eating me alive. And I don't know how the story would end. Basta ang alam ko magkakatuluyan sila sa ending, tapos!

Oh, well...what the heck!

Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

I was reading a novel that my classmate had accidentally sent me via e-mail. Oi, hindi naman sa namimirata ako ng gawa. I just needed a break from the grueling task of finishing my own novel na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano ko tatapusin.

Anyway, her story revolves around the fictional (well, i don’t know how fictional) love life of her barkada. That writer was my former classmate in college. You see, block section kami nung college so from 1st-4th year ay mukha ng bawat isa ang nakikita namin. Halos makabisado na namin ang kalikaw ng utak ng isa’t isa.

She was the one who convinced me to get into the novel writing thingy. She is one of the prolific writers of PHR. Yes, para sa mga fans, she is no other than THE Sonia Francesca. O ayan, Cherie! Sobrang build up na yan! (in case you’re reading this!)

So her story kinda evolve around the stories of her friends and she even used their real names. Nakakatawa kasi nakaka-relate ako sa story kasi naman kilala ko ang barkada niya. Ganun pala iyon kapag kilala mo ang characters na pinagbasehan ng binabasa mo. Hehe!

I just couldn’t help but feel a twinged of envy everytime Sonia and I would see each other. She would often update me with news about her friends and their recent gimmicks together. Since college barkada na silang lahat. After three years in trying to build their own careers, bow ako kasi hanggang ngayon, sanggang-dikit pa rin silang lahat.

Namimi-miss ko tuloy mga friends ko. Tulad nila, sanggang-dikit din kami ng mga iyon nung college. We shared a lot things, had gone through a lot of adventures and misadventures. I just missed the old days because I don’t see them often na. Aside from my bestest friend in the world na si kagandahang Grace, wala na akong nakikita ni anino man lang nila.

Last Friday when I went over to ABS, I bumped into Eden sa Starbucks. Alangan naman akong ayain siya to go out kasi may kausap siya. When Grace arrived and invited her, she declined the offer. I was sad. Grace told me not to be. Sabi niya intindihin ko na lang that time really comes when we all choose to go on our own paths.

It’s just sad that upon travelling on our own, sometimes we took people forgranted. I know I should be mature enough to understand things. Pero kasi I am the type of the person that once I get attached, its difficult for me to let go. Lalo na kapag friends. Nakakapag-let go lang ako kapag nakagawa na ng major kasalanan sa akin ang friend. That is the time I became totally unattached. As in keber kung anong mangyari sa iyo.

At hindi na mababalik ang attachment. At iyon ang ayaw kong mangyari. Ayokong maging major issue ang mga times when I feel rejected by them. I don’t want the times when I feel I’ve been fooled or lied to become a major issue that would then push me to let go. Dahil kapag nag-let go ako, it would be the end of something beautiful.

I often ask myself kung galit ba ako...of course I am not. Anger is a deep feeling. Maybe I just feel irritated. I value them so much. I long to see them. I am glad to help them. I enjoy their company and I enjoy every moment we spend with each other. I just wish they feel the same way. I hope they do.

Talk about perfect timing! Our incentive just came right through my ATM when I'm down on my knees trying to figure out how to survive the next grueling days before payday with only a few pesos...take note! FEW PESOS (not even reaching a hundred) left.

Yeah, that was tough. Running short of your budget a few days before payday plus I have to pay a long list of debts which include myself. That is the hardest part of being broke. When you are indebted to yourself. Sabi nga ni John (my former officemate), pinakamahirap utangan ang sarili mo. Kasi mahirap singilin.

It was Thursday morning when I decided not to go to work because I am so stressed out. I spent my office hours trying to finish my novel since I don't have anything to do YET (the worse is yet to come). After a few days of trying to squeeze out something from my brain to finally put an end to the undying saga of Aki and Sachiko, I finally gave up. I never should try ending a novel just because it had to end on the tenth chapter. Otherwise, it'll end up all cramped up. Iyong tipong para lang malagyan ng ending. So I opted to make a book 2. Of course, that would mean 10 whole new chapters but then it will give me room to polish the story and make things flow smoothly. Iyong nga lang, I have to wait for a few more months before I can submit the story because when a novel comes with a book 2, you should pass both books at the same time. Sigurista ang publisher. Para raw siguradong may book 2 nga.

Well, anyway, so just as when I was on my back staring at the ceiling and trying to concentrate on solving my financial woes, sabi ko kay Grace...wala ba kaming incentive? Sana naman meron. Kahit isang libo lang masaya na ako! That was a very innocent desire. Totoo...kahit isang libo lang masaya na ako. It would somehow lighten my load.

A few hours later, Mocs texted me to share some good news. May incentive na daw. And guess what? It was a couple of bucks more than I expected. Grabe...I could really jump for joy kung hindi lang ako lubhang tinatamad. Kandahirap akong mag-aral ng Nihongo para lang matapos na agad iyong book 2 ng nobela ko para sana magkadatung. Then all of a sudden news like this one would come like a knight in shining armor. Para akong nabunutan ng tinik. Finally, I could now pay myself.

Pero may katas naman ang incentive ko. I bought a new sandals. Iyong medyo mas mababang takong kaysa sa araw-araw kong ginagamit. Lately, I've been tired of wearing that 2 1/2 inch heels while walking along Araneta Avenue going to work everyday. At least now, I have some spare to rest my sored feet. Plus, I was able to by Bob Ong's Bakit Baligtad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino. I've been dying to complete my collection of all of his books. I've read Bakit Baligtad back in college pa ata. But I wasn't able to finish it. Now is the time for me to recollect the reasons why I love that book.

And I'm off towards home on Sunday to pay our telephone bill and give my lola a few bucks for her medicines. It wasn't enough I know but it will help. I've been planning to give my Tita a microwave oven and buy myself a DVD player at home. Sana I could do that eventually. I've been saving for that. Plus, I'm also saving up for my graduate studies. I'm planning to take up a master's degree some time this year. I 'm working for that. Sana matuloy.

Sana rin makarami ako ng novel. I really would love to pursue writing as a career. Well...my hopes are high. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, my prayers consistent and my faith stronger that I would soon have these things in my mind.

What is it with parents playing favorites? Favorite daughters, sons or whatever...is there really such a thing?

Parents have repeatedly claim that they love their children equally and fairly. Kids just don’t understand that’s why they always accuse parents of playing favorites.

What if ikaw iyong nasa opposite end ng favoritism equation. What f you are the one being suppressed in favor of another sibling?

I mean yes, it is easy to say that parents love all their children. No question about that. But do they love them equally?

Sabi nila kasi may mga anak na mahihina at kailangan ng higit na paggabay ng magulang. All those psychological junks. I know I’ve heard it before. Pero paano kung sobrang obvious na? Paano kung agrabyado ka na ng todo? When is the time to speak up and say...Hello? Anak niyo rin ako!

If parents can’t understand their kids, so can us. Minsan mahirap maintindihan kung bakit mas binibigyang pabor ang isang anak kumpara sa isa pa. Siguro nga dahil mahina siya. Pero paano kung ang katiting na pabor na ngang ibinibigay sa iyo, bawasan pa para ibigay sa paboritong anak, may karapatan ka bang magdamdam?

True, it is evil to fight back at your parents. Ang hindi pagtanaw ng utang na loob sa pagsilang nila sa iyo dito sa mundong ibabaw ay isang napakalaking krimen. Gaano man sila kasama, kailangan pa ring igalang sila. Respect begets respect.

How does a child demand his parent’s respect without sounding ungrateful and conceited? Anong advice ang ibibigay niyo sa kapatid ng prodigal son who stayed behind with his parents but ended up uncelebrated? Instead, he was ripped off of what he already has.